Freedom

Freedom, that's what this has all been about. After my last entry, I rode my bicycle to Maine, lost my brakes on the biggest hill of my life, met amazing strangers. I spent 4 days on buses getting back to Montana and Jaden. We travelled for a month and a half, through Wyoming, Utah, Colorado, New Mexico, Arizona, and California, seeing mountains and canyons and sunsets that took my breath away, but I was always searching, always waiting for something. Jaden needed to go back to Seattle for his cat, but I didn't want to go back there, so he left me in Ashland, Oregon. I had no plans at that point and was sad to be alone. I spent two weeks sleeping in the park, and hanging around downtown. I wanted to leave town because I was freezing at night and the loneliness was eating me alive. I was afraid though. I'd never done any serious travelling all by myself, and I had only a couple dollars to spare.

One day, I woke up after a night with only a few hours sleep from being so cold, and walked into the health food store, determined to do something that would change my life for the better. I ran into some of my friends I'd met in Hawaii who were headed south and offered me a ride. I took it, and jumped into the complete unknown. After hanging out with my friends for a couple of days, they dropped me off in Redding,CA. I knew nothing about California, having only spent a total of less than two weeks there-I didn't even know what highway I was on or where it would take me. So I just stuck my thumb out and hoped for the best. I knew I wanted to head for the coast, and the people who picked me up advised me of some nice towns, but I didn't know where to go, so every ride I gave a different answer to where I was headed. Sometimes I just said I didn't know where I was going.

I felt stressed and like I had somehow fallen off the path that used to feel in alignment with my soul. I felt not sense of presence. I was running, at a speed I had never run before, and I knew I was going to start running into things which would hurt me, but I kept moving faster. I was so lost and scared and absolutely alone. I had many crazy adventures as I made my way down the California coast. I even ended up at a radical christian commune for two weeks, where I was expected to wear a bra and study the bible every minute I wasn't working. I met people who were very kind and helpful, and others who were as lost as I was.

Jaden made his way back South and we left the commune together and went to relax and rethink our plans in the desert. We spent a good amount of time in Borrego Springs, just passing time, trying to figure our lives out.

I left Jaden and went up North to try and make some money. I got in a bad situation, and after already being completely burnt out, and realizing that travelling wasn't what I expected it would be, I came back to Nova Scotia.

I realized that freedom was nothing like what I was living. Everyone thought it was, and from the outside I'm sure it looks like I'm free. It's true that there's nothing holding me back. If I want to go somewhere, I just go. But with nothing to hold me down, I feel like I'm just floating, without stability or friends or anything worth staying still for. I've spent so much time just sitting in towns alone, often cold and hungry, wondering what the hell I was doing. I always have to keep moving because I can't deal with how empty I feel. No matter how dangerous life becomes I always run at it. I have to or I feel I will go insane. I bottle up all the fear and sadness because I know if I brake down, there would be no one to help me and no safe place to stay.

So here I am, back where I started, yet everything feels different. It was only a couple weeks ago that I spent some time on a mountain alone, and knew that I wasn't able to keep living the way I was and pretending that I was free. I knew that I wasn't ready to stop, but I was ready to stop living in denial. I did a lot of things the past months that I'm not proud of. Lost in my own world of pain and anxiety I've hurt a lot of people, and I haven't had the room in me to care. There is so much sadness in me, and I have done everything short of taking my life to try and escape it. What I know about this life I've been given is that I didn't come here to be selfish. I was born to learn how to love, and the first step has to be self love. I don't know that it matters what I do with my outer life. I don't really know anything anymore. I'm realizing that pretty much everything I've ever known has been a lie. So how can I embrace this darkness and continue on my path? I don't know. I think opening myself to whatever I experience is going to be crucial in the coming months. I want to let myself feel everything that's within me to feel, I want to learn how to love and face the hatrid and pain which is sheilding me from the light.

It turns out that facing my outer fears accomplished nothing. I've lived in crazy and dangerous situations, and I pushed through my fears, but inside I'm just as scared. I think the time is coming for me to face the deepest fear within me, which is of myself.