Imprisoned

Somehow lately I feel inspired to write again, only now I don't know what about. I feel like words aren't big enough for what I need to say anymore. I feel like before, I was clinging to so many identities which I don't have anymore. I was a fruitarian, seeking purity, believing I was on the right path. Then I left everything behind to start travelling and I took on that identity. I met gypsies and hobos who lived out of their backpacks, some of them never touching money, relying on the road to take care of them. I was inspired by their apparent freedom, and I felt such a rush to begin living that way. I didn't need anything or anyone. I didn't have to know where I'd sleep at night, or how I'd find food to eat. Everything would be there for me. But it became my cage. I felt like I couldn't stop moving. When I did I felt so empty and a darkness enveloped me. I couldn't breathe. I ignored it. I kept going. No one could stop me. I was reckless and lived dangerously because I didn't want to go to that place where I didn't know anything. I kept moving and moving and life kept spinning and I felt so out of control.

I don't know who I am anymore or what subject to write about. All I know is I want to keep writing, so I will.

I came back to Hawaii again, after living on the road for so many months after riding my bike to Maine. I lived in a van with Jaden for some time and we saw a lot of the west. I travelled a bit by myself, and got so lost in my mind. My relationship with Jaden was destroyed, mostly I think, because I was running at such a pace that no one could stop me. I couldn't let anyone be in my life because it would mean I would need to slow down. I did things I thought I would never do and I lost a lot of respect for myself. I ran out of money and stopped selling jewelry at times and depended on dumpsters and people to feed me. I slept with a man I didn't love and lost connection with myself. I worked on a pot farm to make some money and I went home at the end of November to try and figure out who the hell I was. I never figured anything out, but something drew me back to this magical island, so I came back to Hawaii, with almost no money, and no plans.

I flew into Kona at night and took a ride with a stranger into downtown, where I slept on a hill above a grocery store. It felt strange to be without any plans even though I had lived that way for the better part of a year. Within days I felt drawn to get on a bus to Hilo, where I found a place to live within a few days. I rented a cabin in Puna for $200 a month. It was simple, without water or electricity, or much of anything, but it was a home. It felt terrifying to be settling down again, but I told myself I could do it. I kept myself busy, hitchhiking into Hilo almost every day, trying to sell some jewelry. I spent a lot of time on the bus. I was back to my old life and routine, but it felt more empty than ever. I was very lonely, and began to think about the idea of living in an ashram. I didn't want to be in the world anymore. It all felt like illusion. Nothing mattered. I didn't feel depressed, more like I was caught in limbo. I saw the material world in a very shallow way. I knew that who I pretended to be, what I had, what I aspired to, was empty and meaningless to me. I wanted to help people and love people and I could't because I saw that I hated myself so much that it scared me.

Then I met Chris. I wasn't going to date anyone after Jaden. I turned down anyone who tried to get close to me, but when Chris asked me to go swim with dolphins, I said yes without hesitation. We have been together almost every minute since then, for 2 months. Being with him is teaching me so much about love and ego and resistance and freedom. I think my future entries will be filled with my experiences of losing myself in a love which has changed me in so many ways, and is helping me to see so many parts of myself which were hidden before.